Deborah Tannen books

Deborah Tannen has 47 books on Goodreads with 33726 ratings. Deborah Tannen’s most popular book is You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. This revised edition of Deborah Tannen's first discourse analysis book, Conversational Style--first published in 1984--presents an approach to analyzing conversation that later became the hallmark and foundation of her extensive body of work in discourse analysis, including the monograph Talking Voices, as well as her well-known popular books ... About Finding My Father. A #1 New York Times bestselling author traces her father’s life from turn-of-the-century Warsaw to New York City in an intimate memoir about family, memory, and the stories we tell. Long before she was the acclaimed author of a groundbreaking book about women and men, praised by Oliver Sacks for having “a novelist’s ear for the way people speak,” Deborah Tannen ... Deborah Tannen is Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. Her books include the New York Times bestsellers You Just Don't Understand, You're Wearing THAT?, Talking from 9 to 5, and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!.She has written for and been featured in numerous major newspapers and magazines, including the New York Times, Newsweek, USA Today, the Washington Post ... Looking for books by Deborah Tannen? See all books authored by Deborah Tannen, including You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, and That's Not What I Meant!, and more on read deborah tannen's most recent op-eds. The Washington Post, “How the pandemic has changed the way we greet each other”. TIME's Motto, 'The Truth About How Much Women Talk -- And Whether Men Really Listen' . The Washington Post, 'It's not just Trump's message that matters.There's also his metamessage' View Full List of Articles Deborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages.

Having trouble getting a gauge for how I impact people, anyone experience this or have advice?

2018.07.19 09:26 gotja Having trouble getting a gauge for how I impact people, anyone experience this or have advice?

There are times when I think I might be upsetting or alienating people and have no idea how or why. Sometimes I ask and they won't say anything, or everything is 'fine'. And I don't know for certain which diagnosis it stems. Is it just bad behaviors learned from parents, or some kind of brain thing... I dunno.
I know people often go "well isn't it obvious". Well, no, because if I had known I wouldn't be doing something wrong in the first place.
There are times when people say I've done nothing wrong, that I'm overly worried, they don't know why so and so is upset; and other times when people clearly think I should know something upset people. And I don't know why and can't seem to get a clear answer. So there's no consistency to work with.
I didn't have the best parents to teach me this stuff, and I'm supposedly 'too old' now not to know better, but that doesn't mean I've gotten clear feedback. I've seen people get left behind because they need too much help, much more than a peer can give. There's really no resouces I know of that people can learn from for certain gaps of awareness. I've filled in as best I could. When I was a kid I read some body language books and a couple of Deborah Tannen's books and that helped clear up some confusion.
Therapists don't seem to pick up on anything that I can tell. They tell me I'm fine. I feel like I'm missing some secret knowledge no one talks about, you're just supposed to magically intuit it.
Anyone experience something similar and learned from it, or notice something I've done that I might not be aware, or maybe you think I'm aware but might not be?
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2015.12.26 23:22 Xemnas81 Testing 'many RPers had shitty parents and are emotionally wounded by more than just feminist rhetoric on how to attract women' theory: does any of this ring a bell, guys?

Hope you've all had a nice Boxing Day :)
Been brave enough to check out Psychology Today for the first time in a while and found this article reposted from Feb 2015 about toxic mothedaughter relationships. The Facebook comments are a shit-storm of women saying that their mom was an abusive narcissist and they left her years ago without looking back. I could practically feel tears being choked back.
This article may well apply to the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome'. It pushes all the same buttons and can easily be applied to fatheson reships, or motheson reships. I do think it's necessarily applied to parent/child reships because one of the common symptoms of narcissistic parents are the habit to foster a dependency on them, and fear your abandonment. E.g. there was a mom who was calling her daughter a 'spoiled brat' for 'nearly abandoning her' to go…see friends, have a boyfriend. Turn this around; if your boyfriend started saying that you were ABANDONING him because you wanted to hang out with friends, wouldn't we call that controlling possessive behaviour?
Anyway, here is the abridged list of common behaviours of the toxic parent. Let us assume that 'daughters' can be replaced throughout with 'sons' and 'mothers' is interchangeable with 'fathers'-although I have a hunch that the 'single mothers are scum' post is a product of being raised by an NPD/BPD single mom and a deadbeat dad who never acknowledged your existence. This was partially inspired by the knowledge that 'no one on TRP reads Dr. Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy anymore'. Imo, TRPers need to read these 2 books:
No More Mr Nice Guy
Co-Dependent No More
If they are ever to get past the anger phase in totality. I have read NMNNG but not yet CNM, however the latter is one of most influential self-help/relationship psychology books of the past 3 decades, so it is on my list for next year.
Without further ado, let's go!
1) Dismissive
Daughters raised by dismissive mothers doubt the validity of their own emotional needs. They feel unworthy of attention and experience deep, gut-wrenching self-doubt, all the while feeling intense longing for love and validation.
“My mother literally didn’t listen to me or hear me. She’d ask if I were hungry and if I said I wasn’t, she’d put food in front of me as if I’d said nothing. She would ask what I wanted to do over the weekend or summer, ignore my answer, and then make plans for me. What clothes did I want? The same thing. But that wasn’t the central part: she never asked me how I was feeling or what I was thinking. She made it clear that I was largely irrelevant to her.”
Dismissive behavior, as reported by daughters, occurs across a spectrum, and can become combative if the mother actively and aggressively turns dismissal into rejection. Human offspring are hardwired to need and seek proximity to their mothers, and therein lies the problem: the daughter’s need for her mother’s attention and love isn’t diminished by the mother’s dismissal.
2) Controlling
These mothers micromanage their daughters, actively refuse to acknowledge the validity of their words or choices, and instill a sense of insecurity and helplessness in their offspring. Most of this behavior is done under the guise of being for the child’s “own good;” the message is, effectively, that the daughter is inadequate, cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment, and would simply flounder and fail without her mother’s guidance.
Ironically like the way feminism encourages women to think of themselves as agents,= when it suits victims when it doesn'tKermit sips his cup
3. Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable mothers, those who actively withdraw at a daughter’s approach or who withhold love from one child while granting it to another, inflict a different kind of damage. Be mindful that all children are hardwired to rely on their mothers thanks to evolution. “My mother wasn’t mean,” one daughter writes, “But she was emotionally disconnected from me and still is.” These behaviors can include lack of physical contact (no hugging, no comforting); unresponsiveness to a child’s cries or displays of emotion, and her articulated needs as she gets older; and, of course, literal abandonment.
[…] All of these behaviors leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family member—a father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle—to step into the emotional breach which helps but doesn’t heal; many don’t. These insecurely attached daughters often become clingy in adult relationships, needing constant reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.
4. Enmeshed
While the first two types of behaviors describe mothers who distance themselves from their children, enmeshment is the opposite: these mothers do not acknowledge any kind of boundary between them, their definition of self, and their children. In this case, the daughter’s need for love and attention facilitates a maternal chokehold, exploiting human nature in the service of another goal. These women are classic “stage mothers” and live through their children’s achievements, which they both demand and encourage; while they have a long history—the mothers of Gypsy Rose Lee, Judy Garland, and Frances Farmer come immediately to mind—they now have especial renown (and no shame) thanks to reality television. Vivian Gornick’s memoir, Fierce Attachments, should be required reading for any daughter who grew up with a mother like this.
While the daughter of a dismissive or unavailable mother “disappears” because of inattention and under-parenting, the enmeshed daughter’s sense of self is swallowed whole. Untangling enmeshment—the term alone conveys the difficulty—is another road entirely because of the absence of boundaries. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counseled but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. That’s all missing in the enmeshed relationship.
5. Combative
These mothers never acknowledge their behaviors, and they are usually quite careful about displaying them in public. Included in this group are the mothers who actively denigrate their daughters, are hypercritical, intensely jealous of, or competitive with their offspring. Yes, this is mean mother territory; the mother takes advantage of the power play. I know—the words “power play” and “mother” seem incongruous combined in a single sentence—but I leave you in the capable hands of Deborah Tannen, with a quotation I use often because I simply can’t phrase it better or with her authority:
“This, in the end, may be the crux of a parent’s power over a child: not only to create the world the child lives in but also to dictate how that world is to be interpreted.”
A child is no match for this warrior queen and, more dangerously, will internalize the messages communicated by her. Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehow—the belief that they “made’ their mothers react, or that they are unworthy—is as crippling as the lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this mother’s weapons of choice.
The combative mother uses verbal and emotional abuse to “win” but can resort to physical force as well. She rationalizes her behaviors as being necessary because of defects in her daughter’s character or behavior. This is dangerous territory.
6. Unreliable
This is, in many ways, the hardest behavior for a daughter to cope with, because she never knows if the “good mommy” or the “bad mommy” will show up. All children form mental images of what relationships in the real world look like based on their connections to their mothers; these daughters understand emotional connection to be fraught, precarious, and even dangerous. In an interview for my book, Mean Mothers, “Jeanne” (a pseudonym) said:
“I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. She was emotionally unreliable—horribly critical of me one day, dismissive the next, and then, out of nowhere, smiling and fussing over me. I now realize that the smiley mom thing usually happened in front of other people who were her audience. Anyway, I never knew what to expect. She could be intolerably present, inexplicably absent, and then playing a part. I assumed I’d done something to make her treat me the way she did. Now, I know she did what she felt like, without any thought of me, but I still hear her voice in my head especially when life gets difficult or I feel insecure.”
7. Self-involved
Call her a narcissist if you wish. This mother sees her daughter—if she sees her at all—as an extension of herself and nothing more. Unlike the enmeshed mother who is intently and smotheringly focused on her child, this mother carefully controls her involvement as it suits her own self-reflection. A power player, she’s incapable of empathy; instead, very concerned with appearances and the opinions of others. Her emotional connection to her daughter is superficial—although she would fiercely deny that if you asked—because her focus is on herself. The tactics she uses to manipulate and control her daughter permit her to self-aggrandize and feel good about herself.
These mothers often look great from the outside—they are usually attractive and charming when you meet them, take great care of their homes, and may have admirable talents and careers—which serves to confuse and isolate the unloved daughter even more. It is, alas, easier to recognize that you are playing the role of Cinderella (and it was an evil mom, not a stepmother, until the Grimm Brothers cleaned up the tale) when you are living in the cellar and everyone knows your mother is a hag.
8. Role-reversed
Anecdotally, this is the pattern of maternal interaction I hear about the least—the scenario in which the daughter, even at a young age, becomes the helper, the caretaker, or even “the mother” to her own mother. Sometimes, this pattern emerges when the mother has children very young and more of them than she can actually handle. That was true for Jenna, now in her late thirties, who reported:
"By the time my Mom was 26, she had four kids, little money, and no support. I was the oldest and by the time I was five, I was her helper. I learned to cook, do laundry, and clean. As I got older, the dynamic stayed the same, only more so. She called me her 'rock' but she never paid attention to me, just to my younger siblings. Now that I’m an adult, she still doesn’t mother me but acts more like a very critical, older friend. I think she robbed me of my childhood.”
More famously, but in the same vein, Mary Karr’s memoir The Liar’s Club depicts both Mary and her older sister stepping in to mother themselves or their mother.
Daughters of alcoholic mothers or those who suffer from untreated depression may also find themselves in the caretaker role, regardless of their age. That may include mothering not just their mothers but their siblings, as well. There are “fragile” mothers who also interact in this way, claiming health or other issues. Ironically, these mothers may love their daughters but lack the capacity to act on their feelings. While these behaviors are hurtful, with therapy or intervention, many daughters report reconciliation in adulthood as well as understanding.
So to tl;dr all that
1) Dismissive
2) Controlling
3) Unavailable (emotional disconnection, not responding to child's needs, possible physical abandonment)
4) Enmeshed (live twice vicariously through child-seek out a 'golden child'. Place fierce competition on child to be excellent and not shame family name)
5) Combative (jealous, resentful, bitter; guilt-trips child for neglecting her, etc.)
6) Unreliable (hot and cold)
7) Self-involved; non-NPD based narcissism typically, but if narcissistic or autistic traits present, theory of mind issues, difficulty separating others from self, view children as extension of self
8) Role-reversed (dependent, needy mom; care-taker children often not equipped to do so, being 'robbed' of childhood)
So, Redpillers (and anyone else for that matter) a simple question: Does this list ring any bells? Can you identify behaviours from your childhood, by your mother, father, older siblings or parent figures? Authority figures?
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2014.11.05 22:07 Guanren [TOMT] [Blog Comment] The most insightful blog comment in the world

Years ago there was a blog comment circulated as "the best/most insightful blog comment ever". In response to something, it said when it comes to request there are two kinds of people: 1) those who think it's polite to ask things and it's polite to say no, and 2) those who think it's NOT polite to say no, and therefore it's not polite to ask, because it creates an obligation.
The original comment was much more pithy and better phrased, the two kinds being more symmetrical. It probably the length of this post already with room for quick examples. I don't know the original source-- I saw it circulated on some other site. It said it was a blog comment, but I'm not 100% sure it really was one. So it did go around. Estimate 5 years ago, but really not sure. I have looked, but can't find anything.
It's like something Deborah Tannen would write at her best. (That's Not What I Meant, her first book-- she cranked out books apparently of varying quality after that.)
Anyway, that this was "the greatest blog comment in the world" is part of the reason I'm looking for it. If anyone knows where it is a link would be much appreciated, thanks.
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2013.06.21 19:35 do_u_liek_ButtSchexx What a year can do..

Seddit, Thank you. It's been about a year since I have started getting into game. I first read "The Game" and instantly noticed results from what I had read. In a years time, I have had probably 100 plus random makeouts, turned a girl who hated me into a fuck buddy, had a threesome with said girl and another girl and I am currently dating a milf. But with these accomplishments I have had a copious amount of fails. I've been too needy, I've been too quick, and I've been too slow.
This is what I have learned in the past year that has allowed me to get where I am today:
1.) Have fun. I can't emphasize how much this helped me with my game. At first my primary goal when I would go out would be to get girls, or sarge. It worked, but not as well as I thought it would. That's when I started to realize what RSD meant. Just go out and have fun. Don't give a fuck about what people think. I was watching the Honey badger video one day and I adopted the Honey Badger mentality. "Honey Badger doesn't give a shit, Honey badger takes what he wants!" That really stuck with me. I looked elsewhere to help reinforce this idea. /hownottogiveafuck really helped with that.
2.) Apply what you learn everywhere you can. I noticed that when I started gaming, it opened up my sex life but it also opened up my professional life. I noticed a ton of positive feedback from the way I would be at work. I would apply what I learned from game in all aspects of my life, like eye contact. Always maintain strong eye contact. I use this at work all the time and I've noticed that people respect me more when I'm staring them in the eyes, instead of looking away. So in order to make this happen, I started to look outside of game. /socialskills has a ton of good information to help you get out of that socially awkward feeling I was in.
3.) Communicate. I recently just graduated with my bachelors in communications, and I can honestly say that people do not know how to communicate. We know how to talk to each other and hear what others says, but we don't know how to LISTEN. There is such a communication breakdown between people. This noise that interferes with out communication can really make things worse. Noise can be anything, but what I really noticed when applying it to game was the gender differences, and how men and women don't even communicate anywhere remotely close to each other. Two books that I recommend that you read to help understand how men and women communicate differently would be Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand" and John Gray's "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". After reading these two books I have begun to understand why some of my previous relationships have failed, and what I can do to help prevent it from happening in future relationships. If I could give one point that I learned from each book would be this: Tannen says that the primary way women communicate is based on emotion, where men's primary communication style is logic. Listen to the way women talk to each other. They often sympathize with each other in regards to most conversation. Men are always one upping each other or are trying to over advice to fix something. Grays says men to just listen, don't offer advice, just shut up and listen. It's so key!
4.) Being Confident. This was probably one of the hardest things for me because I didn't know what being confident meant. I literally looked online for definitions and tried to look up how to be confident. But the thing is you have to believe you are. You can't think you are, you have to believe it. I learned what it was when I learned how to be it, which is totally fucking backwards. So to anyone who doesn't know what confident means, you're not alone. Just believe that you are confident, tell yourself that you are confident. you'll be surprised what will'll start levitating and but really, you'll be amazed on how confident you can get.
5.) Pick up on details. I can't begin to say how important this is. If she cuts her hair, ask her about it. If she looks a little tan her, bring it up. By picking up on these little details I noticed that women find me to be focused in on her. If you find a dress to be sexy on her, tell her that you like it.
6.) Take the good with the bad. I've been on some amazing streaks where I'm just getting results after results, then all of a sudden, nothing seems to work. What I realized is that this is where you learn the most. Sometimes you need to be rejected and taken off of your high horse, because if you only go up, you'll never appreciate it for what it's worth. Sometimes women aren't going to be feeling you, and it sucks some major donkey balls. I got so butt hurt over this girl because she flaked out on me and just completely shut me out and it sucked. It made me realize where I went wrong and made me strive to get better.
This is just some little things that I have noticed that helped me become a better overall person. If you have any questions feel free to contact me. If it wasn't for you guys, I'd still be frustrated with women. Alright, its my actual birthday, gotta go out and have some fun tonight!
Edit: Spellings. Second grade wasn't my greatest.
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2012.10.25 05:35 MacMarker Conversational Styles: Men talk to exchange information and women talk to establish relationships.

Dr. Tannen wrote a book entitled "You just don't understand." In this, she suggests that many of the problems men and women have communicating result from conversational styles. A brief summary can be found here. Essentially, men use talk to communicate information while women use it to communicate both information and metamessages (metamessages — unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said). As an example, my wife and I have a converation I hate:
Me: Where do you want to eat tonight? Her: I don't care. Me: Italian? Her: No...I had Italian for lunch. Me: Mexican? Her: stomach hurts. 
And so on...until I'm ready to gnash my teeth because she obviously has something in mind but won't tell me what it is. My goal is information. She is after the same thing (picking a place to eat) but she is also having a conversation with someone she is intimate with. The metamesage is she cares about my opinion and this is a chance to talk about all sorts of things.
As a side note...the conversation still pisses me off. I've gotten in the habit of asking her to provide me three restaurants she's willing to eat at and I'll pick one of those. Then I ask her about her day over dinner. Win-Win.
So my question, I am curious if any of the women of AskWomen feel that one of the reasons SO didn't get something is because 'He' is listening for the content of your message, not how you said it? This goes beyond body language and tone, its more about what is unsaid. For example, I know not to tell my wife those pants she just asked me about are getting a little tight in the seat. The only appropriate answer for that is a supportive "They look nice with that outfit."
There are other parts of her analysis in that text that I'm not certain I agree with but in lurking here (and in AskMen) it seems a lot of this is backed up by your experiences. As you think about conversations with your SO (Tannen's analysis is about M/F relationships for this text) does it seem that men concentrate on content and women are listening for both content and metamessages?
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2010.06.12 06:12 psarnesen This is how I see US media: “It's our tendency to approach every problem as if it were a fight between two sides. We see it in headlines that are always using metaphors for war. It's a general atmosphere of animosity and contention that has taken over our public discourse.” Deborah Tannen '98

From the book "the Argument Culture" Written by Deborah Tannen in 1998! Communication! It is time to learn that there are more than two sides on every issue. This book breaks it down and tells it like it is.
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Who talks more, women or men? Deborah Tannen (Part 2) Deborah Tannen: Can We Talk? (Clip1) (3/14/13) - YouTube Deborah Tannen (Part 1) - YouTube 135: Improve Your Communication Skills for Deeper Understanding - with Deborah Tannen Deborah Tannen on I Only Say This Because I Love You - The John Adams Institute Linguist Deborah Tannen on the Books She's Written Deborah Tannen: Gender-specific language rituals - YouTube Deborah Tannen at Kepler's Books E.J. Dionne, 'Code Red' (w/ Deborah Tannen)

Deborah Tannen -

  1. Who talks more, women or men?
  2. Deborah Tannen (Part 2)
  3. Deborah Tannen: Can We Talk? (Clip1) (3/14/13) - YouTube
  4. Deborah Tannen (Part 1) - YouTube
  5. 135: Improve Your Communication Skills for Deeper Understanding - with Deborah Tannen
  6. Deborah Tannen on I Only Say This Because I Love You - The John Adams Institute
  7. Linguist Deborah Tannen on the Books She's Written
  8. Deborah Tannen: Gender-specific language rituals - YouTube
  9. Deborah Tannen at Kepler's Books
  10. E.J. Dionne, 'Code Red' (w/ Deborah Tannen)

On December 13, 2001, The John Adams Institute, in cooperation with the Universiteit van Amsterdam, presented a lecture by Deborah Tannen, Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University in ... (Part 1 of 2) A linguistics professor at Georgetown University, Deborah Tannen is the acclaimed author of You’re Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daug... Deborah Tannen: Can We Talk? What's Really Going on in the Conversations Between Parents, Partners, Co-workers, Sibs and Kids!University Professor, Georgetow... (Part 2 of 2) A linguistics professor at Georgetown University, Deborah Tannen is the acclaimed author of You’re Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, which became ... Tannen discusses her book, 'You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives' at Kepler's Books Oct. 9 2009. Prominent scholar Deborah Tannen discusses gender-specific language rituals in children at play. Our guest is Deborah Tannen, Georgetown Professor and author of You Just Don’t Understand, the classic book on gender differences in communication. Her latest book, You’re the Only One I Can ... E.J. Dionne discusses his book, 'Code Red', at Politics and Prose. E.J. Dionne, Washington Post op-ed columnist, will discuss his new book, in which, writing with his signature thorough reporting ... Georgetown University linguist and New York Times best-selling author Deborah Tannen talks about her books, from 'Conversational Style' through 'You Were Always Mom's Favorite,' at the National ... One of my favorite books is, You Just Don't Understand, by Dr. Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. Her research suggests that women feel more comfortable doing ...